It's been just over a week since my Mum and Step-Dad dropped me off at University and I've decided that I want to try and write regular updates on my new life in London, mainly as reassurance to prove to myself that I can do this, but also because I thought it would be interesting to see how/if my feelings change the longer I'm here.
This past week has been ok. I've met my flatmates, class mates and have fully moved in. However, I am yet to feel settled. Obviously this is something that is going to take time, I just wish that time would hurry up and tick on. Yesterday the homesickness hit me really hard and I found myself on the phone to Mum in tears...again. I'll be honest and say that this week has pretty much sucked.
I feel that I should have been more excited because it's freshers and well...it's freshers, but I didn't want to book tickets for events and then end up having no-one to go with, I didn't want to spend the money and I can think of far more better things to be doing than spending the days curled up in bed with a hangover. I wanted to be excited because hey, I'm living in London and this is the city of opportunity. I wanted to be excited because this is my chance to fly solo and be completely independant. I wanted to be excited becasue I'm going to be studying what I think is the course of my dreams. All of these things made me feel excited, until my Mum and Step-Dad dropped me off. The feeling of excitement completely washed away and instead I felt upset and like I didn't belong. Somehow it didn't feel like the right decision. How could I have known that when all I'd done was unpack some boxes? I knew because it wasn't my room or my home and I didn't want to face having to say goodbye. I had this idea in my head that the minute I arrived I'd feel happy, safe and comfortable, but instead I felt the complete opposite.
The Friday before I left I had a small gathering at home with close friends and family. My boyfriend and I wore matching Superman tops because we thought it would be funny and I guess in some kind of way I should have felt invincible as I was heading off to start a new adventure. Everyone that was there was there to support me and celebrate me beginning a new part of my life, but it made me realise how much I'm going to miss all the little things. I'm alreadly missing all those little things. Things like going to my Grandparents whenever I wanted for endless cups of tea and my Grandad forcing the biscuit jar towards me, visiting my Grandparents for more tea and biscuits with my Mum, sister and I all in our pj's, sitting on the kitchen floor having late night conversations with my Mum, harmonising with my Mum to songs playing in the car while she's driving; the list goes on. I'm completely aware that home is only a couple of tube stops and a train ride away, but in my head that feels like miles. It's isn't easy for me to just nip home for a weekend because a) that costs money and being a student who is currently jobless, I can't really afford to do that every week, and b) if I were to go home, I wouldn't be able to stay for long because I'd need to get back in time for the following week of classes to begin, so I have to make do.
In hindsight, my situation isn't that bad. My sister is only a half hour bus ride away and my best friend's Uni accommodation is literally 2 minutes up the road from me. My family, friends and boyfriend stay in regular contact and I facetime them a lot. However, it's not the same. They aren't physically here and I'm not physically there. That's the difficulty I guess I'm going to have to continue to face.
I chose to go to Uni, I know that. More importantly, I chose to move away and I know that too. It's just not working out as easy as I had thought it would. I'm naturally quite an independent person so I thought I'd be able to take this head on and it would be a walk in the park. Perhaps that's because I didn't want to consider how this experience would be if it was anything but that.
Last week was particularly hard becasue it was my first week away and it was also induction week so I didn't really have much to do or occupy myself with and fortunately this weekend just gone my sister came to stay with me, giving me the opportunity to go out and explore the city I've dreamed about living in for a while. Walking along the South Bank it felt like a day trip, then when she left to catch her bus back to Greenwich, the prospect of returning back to a room to look at the same 4 walls hit me. It wasn't a day trip and I wasn't going home. This is where I live now. Maybe one day I'll be able to call it home.
I've been told that I'm better when I'm occupied and this is true so I did wake up today feeling ever so slightly more positive. It was my first proper day today and I didn't feel excited, but I wanted to. Instead I felt anxious and scared. It's been on my mind the past week (becasue I've been worried and have had so much time to think) that I might not be capable to do my course and that I might not understand anything. Granted, there were moments today where I was a little confused, but I didn't panic because most of the people surrounding me were in the same position. Instead I took a moment to realise that I haven't actually come from studying English Literature for 2 years at A-Level and just needed to jump over that barrier and move on.
This mornings class was on "The Practice of Literary Criticism" and it was a challenge, but fortunately I have been given some reading to do in preparation for a lecture on Wednesday so I have plenty to do tomorrow during my day off. This afternoon's class however, was on "Understanding Poetry". I like poetry and I guess I enjoy studying it, so I was feeling more hopeful for this class. The minute I walked in to that lecture room and one of my Professor's started reading "Composed Upon Westminster Bridge" by William Wordsworth, I was so captivated. This lecture was followed by a Seminar where we as a class and in small groups discussed other poems, all of which related to London. Hearing other people's thoughts and feelings on the city made me feel at ease and I actually walked out of that room feeling better than I have in days. The minute I was able to pick apart the sentences of these poets and discuss them with my peers, something hit me that made me feel like perhaps I do know what I'm talking about and I do belong. This is something small and perhaps silly, but I have felt incredibly negative this past week so I was really happy to have been delivered this class.
I really do hope that as time goes on this feeling of not wanting to be away from home shifts. I want to feel happy and ok most of the time and I imagine I'll get there at some point. I don't want to quit just becasue I'm missing home and struggling emotionally and with the work. I want to do this and I need to prove to myself that I can.
Dotty
X
This past week has been ok. I've met my flatmates, class mates and have fully moved in. However, I am yet to feel settled. Obviously this is something that is going to take time, I just wish that time would hurry up and tick on. Yesterday the homesickness hit me really hard and I found myself on the phone to Mum in tears...again. I'll be honest and say that this week has pretty much sucked.
I feel that I should have been more excited because it's freshers and well...it's freshers, but I didn't want to book tickets for events and then end up having no-one to go with, I didn't want to spend the money and I can think of far more better things to be doing than spending the days curled up in bed with a hangover. I wanted to be excited because hey, I'm living in London and this is the city of opportunity. I wanted to be excited because this is my chance to fly solo and be completely independant. I wanted to be excited becasue I'm going to be studying what I think is the course of my dreams. All of these things made me feel excited, until my Mum and Step-Dad dropped me off. The feeling of excitement completely washed away and instead I felt upset and like I didn't belong. Somehow it didn't feel like the right decision. How could I have known that when all I'd done was unpack some boxes? I knew because it wasn't my room or my home and I didn't want to face having to say goodbye. I had this idea in my head that the minute I arrived I'd feel happy, safe and comfortable, but instead I felt the complete opposite.
The Friday before I left I had a small gathering at home with close friends and family. My boyfriend and I wore matching Superman tops because we thought it would be funny and I guess in some kind of way I should have felt invincible as I was heading off to start a new adventure. Everyone that was there was there to support me and celebrate me beginning a new part of my life, but it made me realise how much I'm going to miss all the little things. I'm alreadly missing all those little things. Things like going to my Grandparents whenever I wanted for endless cups of tea and my Grandad forcing the biscuit jar towards me, visiting my Grandparents for more tea and biscuits with my Mum, sister and I all in our pj's, sitting on the kitchen floor having late night conversations with my Mum, harmonising with my Mum to songs playing in the car while she's driving; the list goes on. I'm completely aware that home is only a couple of tube stops and a train ride away, but in my head that feels like miles. It's isn't easy for me to just nip home for a weekend because a) that costs money and being a student who is currently jobless, I can't really afford to do that every week, and b) if I were to go home, I wouldn't be able to stay for long because I'd need to get back in time for the following week of classes to begin, so I have to make do.
In hindsight, my situation isn't that bad. My sister is only a half hour bus ride away and my best friend's Uni accommodation is literally 2 minutes up the road from me. My family, friends and boyfriend stay in regular contact and I facetime them a lot. However, it's not the same. They aren't physically here and I'm not physically there. That's the difficulty I guess I'm going to have to continue to face.
I chose to go to Uni, I know that. More importantly, I chose to move away and I know that too. It's just not working out as easy as I had thought it would. I'm naturally quite an independent person so I thought I'd be able to take this head on and it would be a walk in the park. Perhaps that's because I didn't want to consider how this experience would be if it was anything but that.
Last week was particularly hard becasue it was my first week away and it was also induction week so I didn't really have much to do or occupy myself with and fortunately this weekend just gone my sister came to stay with me, giving me the opportunity to go out and explore the city I've dreamed about living in for a while. Walking along the South Bank it felt like a day trip, then when she left to catch her bus back to Greenwich, the prospect of returning back to a room to look at the same 4 walls hit me. It wasn't a day trip and I wasn't going home. This is where I live now. Maybe one day I'll be able to call it home.
I've been told that I'm better when I'm occupied and this is true so I did wake up today feeling ever so slightly more positive. It was my first proper day today and I didn't feel excited, but I wanted to. Instead I felt anxious and scared. It's been on my mind the past week (becasue I've been worried and have had so much time to think) that I might not be capable to do my course and that I might not understand anything. Granted, there were moments today where I was a little confused, but I didn't panic because most of the people surrounding me were in the same position. Instead I took a moment to realise that I haven't actually come from studying English Literature for 2 years at A-Level and just needed to jump over that barrier and move on.
This mornings class was on "The Practice of Literary Criticism" and it was a challenge, but fortunately I have been given some reading to do in preparation for a lecture on Wednesday so I have plenty to do tomorrow during my day off. This afternoon's class however, was on "Understanding Poetry". I like poetry and I guess I enjoy studying it, so I was feeling more hopeful for this class. The minute I walked in to that lecture room and one of my Professor's started reading "Composed Upon Westminster Bridge" by William Wordsworth, I was so captivated. This lecture was followed by a Seminar where we as a class and in small groups discussed other poems, all of which related to London. Hearing other people's thoughts and feelings on the city made me feel at ease and I actually walked out of that room feeling better than I have in days. The minute I was able to pick apart the sentences of these poets and discuss them with my peers, something hit me that made me feel like perhaps I do know what I'm talking about and I do belong. This is something small and perhaps silly, but I have felt incredibly negative this past week so I was really happy to have been delivered this class.
I really do hope that as time goes on this feeling of not wanting to be away from home shifts. I want to feel happy and ok most of the time and I imagine I'll get there at some point. I don't want to quit just becasue I'm missing home and struggling emotionally and with the work. I want to do this and I need to prove to myself that I can.
Dotty
X
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