I had a rather long six week Christmas break from Uni and although most of it was spent doing Uni work and working some shifts at my old job, it was obviously plenty of time for me to settle back in to my old routine. Needless to say though, it somehow wasn't enough time to soak up the warmth and comfort of being back home.
It's really odd having to say hello and goodbye as frequently as I feel I do and I know I'm going to say those words many more times over the next three years. The thought of going home and of course, when I'm actually home, is the loveliest feeling but there's this weird thought going on inside my head where I feel like I'm literally dangling between feeling fully grounded and having to leave. I don't really know how to explain it because it's not that I'm lost, but I suppose it's more like I'm flipping between two different worlds. The world of Uni and living away from home obviously overlaps with home life but somehow the two are disjointed and so when I'm in one of the spaces, I'm thinking about the other for various reasons such as worry, stress or genuinely missing it.
I notice that this affects me more when I'm at Uni and I think that's quite natural. However, when I came back last week a part of me felt changed. It was as though I was looking at the whole situation from a different perspective. I guess this time round, coming back I knew what to expect. I knew what my room looked like, the people I was surrounded by and most importantly I knew what to expect from my classes, so in a way I think I just felt relieved and weirdly proud of myself that I was able to look at everything afresh.
The one thing that hasn't changed (although it doesn't feel as bad just yet) and the one thing that I don't think will ever fully leave me is the feeling of loneliness. I spend a lot of time on my own and I am productive in that time. I get a lot of Uni work done because of it, but sometimes it feels like I've gone too long without having a proper conversation with a real human. Of course it's important to have down time on your own, but the trouble is I struggle to understand what down time really is. I mean I know what it is, I just can't for some reason physcially do it and that has always been the case. I like to keep busy and writing this blog while I could be doing nothing is an example of that, however I find writing therapeutic so it's fine.
I think I get so roped up in my own life with all the work and reading that I have to do that when it comes to a point where I could be relaxing, I for some reason feel guilty and so to ease my mind I'll do more work or find something else productive to do. I know this isn't good because if I'm stressed then I know my grades will reflect that. Fortuantely, I only get properly stressed around deadlines because I want to do my best and I very much have a mind-set of "well if I don't do that then I'll fall years behind and never be able to catch up", slightly exaggerating but it's still true. I like being organsied and keeping on top of everything and although that can in a lot of ways appear stressful, it somehow prevents me from feeling stressed.
During the first term at Uni I was able to work out what methods worked for me when writing essays, making notes in lectures, revising for exams and absorbing the information from the endless amount of texts I have to read. On the other hand, I was also able to work out what methods didn't work and my plan is to apply what I have learnt to this term with the hope of getting similar grades.
I really surprised myself last term with the results that I achieved, especially as I thought my understanding of certain things wasn't where it needed to be having not come from studying A-Level English. Writing short stories in my creative writing class was something I was quite nervous about because receiving grades on your own personal form of expression is a scary thought. My reaction when I saw that I had managed to get a first ended in me laughing because I couldn't quite believe it. Being graded on what you deem to possibly be your greatest strenghth is pretty terrifying.
My plan is to continue to push myself (gently though) and to keep on striving for success.
Here's to defying the odds, believing you're more capable than you think and to new adventures.
Dotty
X
It's really odd having to say hello and goodbye as frequently as I feel I do and I know I'm going to say those words many more times over the next three years. The thought of going home and of course, when I'm actually home, is the loveliest feeling but there's this weird thought going on inside my head where I feel like I'm literally dangling between feeling fully grounded and having to leave. I don't really know how to explain it because it's not that I'm lost, but I suppose it's more like I'm flipping between two different worlds. The world of Uni and living away from home obviously overlaps with home life but somehow the two are disjointed and so when I'm in one of the spaces, I'm thinking about the other for various reasons such as worry, stress or genuinely missing it.
I notice that this affects me more when I'm at Uni and I think that's quite natural. However, when I came back last week a part of me felt changed. It was as though I was looking at the whole situation from a different perspective. I guess this time round, coming back I knew what to expect. I knew what my room looked like, the people I was surrounded by and most importantly I knew what to expect from my classes, so in a way I think I just felt relieved and weirdly proud of myself that I was able to look at everything afresh.
The one thing that hasn't changed (although it doesn't feel as bad just yet) and the one thing that I don't think will ever fully leave me is the feeling of loneliness. I spend a lot of time on my own and I am productive in that time. I get a lot of Uni work done because of it, but sometimes it feels like I've gone too long without having a proper conversation with a real human. Of course it's important to have down time on your own, but the trouble is I struggle to understand what down time really is. I mean I know what it is, I just can't for some reason physcially do it and that has always been the case. I like to keep busy and writing this blog while I could be doing nothing is an example of that, however I find writing therapeutic so it's fine.
I think I get so roped up in my own life with all the work and reading that I have to do that when it comes to a point where I could be relaxing, I for some reason feel guilty and so to ease my mind I'll do more work or find something else productive to do. I know this isn't good because if I'm stressed then I know my grades will reflect that. Fortuantely, I only get properly stressed around deadlines because I want to do my best and I very much have a mind-set of "well if I don't do that then I'll fall years behind and never be able to catch up", slightly exaggerating but it's still true. I like being organsied and keeping on top of everything and although that can in a lot of ways appear stressful, it somehow prevents me from feeling stressed.
During the first term at Uni I was able to work out what methods worked for me when writing essays, making notes in lectures, revising for exams and absorbing the information from the endless amount of texts I have to read. On the other hand, I was also able to work out what methods didn't work and my plan is to apply what I have learnt to this term with the hope of getting similar grades.
I really surprised myself last term with the results that I achieved, especially as I thought my understanding of certain things wasn't where it needed to be having not come from studying A-Level English. Writing short stories in my creative writing class was something I was quite nervous about because receiving grades on your own personal form of expression is a scary thought. My reaction when I saw that I had managed to get a first ended in me laughing because I couldn't quite believe it. Being graded on what you deem to possibly be your greatest strenghth is pretty terrifying.
My plan is to continue to push myself (gently though) and to keep on striving for success.
Here's to defying the odds, believing you're more capable than you think and to new adventures.
Dotty
X
Comments
Post a Comment