Recently I've been feeling lost. Lost in my thoughts and just generally lost in life. I can't think of a specific point where this began or even what's responsible for triggering it. All I know is that it doesn't feel great and I want to find my way out.
I've been thinking about if the cause is whether I've taken on too much, but I don't see how that can be to blame. Everything I'm doing right now, I'm doing because I want to and because I know it will help towards giving me a bright and stable future. When I sit down to approach the things I have to do; deadlines, writing, or whatever, I don't have any more issue getting the job done than anyone else.
My point I guess is that I haven't lost my purpose. I know what I want and I know how to get it. I just think that being so sure has caused me to lose my way somehow. Everyone at some point worries and stresses about the future and I for one, am guilty of that. As my third and final year of University is getting closer, I can't lie and say that isn't daunting.
I'm excited to find out what lies beyond graduation, but I'm also worried knowing that when that year comes to an end, I will no longer have a clear guide, much like education has been my guide for the vast majority of my life.
Primary School, Secondary, College and then University - that all felt natural, but beyond that what path do I choose? I have many things I wish to pursue and I will try my best to achieve all my goals, but the fact that the thing giving me guidance from next year on wards is me, is scary.
Aside from Uni, I feel as though I've been swept up in this minefield of work. Meeting deadlines, achieving goals, earning money, that's all great, but dare I ask the question where my happiness lies within that?
I feel ridiculous even feeling this way. I'm doing the best I can at everything I'm doing, I have a wonderful support system and yet, I can't seem to shake the feeling that perhaps something is missing.
We all hit dead ends in life, where we struggle to see the point, lose focus, feel lost and I wonder if emotionally, I've just hit one of those dead ends.
The truth is I guess, that not all feelings have to be justified. I just felt like I needed to try and unpack mine because I am just lost within my own emotions right now.
Second year is coming to an end and I go home this weekend as the summer holidays begin, and for the first time ever, the thought of going home is a bit nerve-racking.
When I return, there's a lot I have to face up to. Getting back in to my old routine, back to earning money, but above that, I'm back home with the people that I love in the place that I love and so again I question why I should be feeling this way.
Perhaps that's the thing about feeling lost. The way you arrived at that point is also something you have lost. I certainly have.
I hope this feeling will shift soon and I'll find myself again, but for now I'll just keep muddling through.
Dotty
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