For You

I entered into July full of optimism as everything was starting to fall into place for me and what had been a horrible 2020 so far was starting to not actually seem so bad.

However, on the evening of the 6th July that all changed when I sadly lost my grandma. Meg and I always called her our `big grandma` and after some family difficulties growing up, losing her has felt more significant than ever. To me, she somehow was and probably always will be the glue that held certain things together. I still can't comprehend that she isn't actually here and the amount of times I have gone to the phone to ring or text her and then realise I can't has been heart-breaking. 

Whenever she'd ring and I'd miss the call, she'd always leave a voicemail - always. I was devastated to find that I had none of these saved on my phone and that I really will never hear her voice again. 

I will forever miss her marshmallows half dipped in chocolate (a big grandma speciality), the fact that she'd always have to tuck a tea towel down her top whenever she'd eat her dinner because she knew she'd spill something down her (this is how I will always envision her) and the way she'd always hug me so tight that I could literally feel her love and warmth transferring onto me. 

No words will ever be enough to explain how much this loss has effected me, or how wonderful my big grandma was, but I wrote a poem which I left with her at the funeral and hopefully she knows. 

This is for you grandma. 

For You

Whilst the nights have felt so long and I have lost countless hours of sleep, I have laid wide awake thinking of the company we used to keep. 

The bond we shared was special, one unique and true and all I’ve done since you have gone is think all about you. 

Twenty twenty has been horrific for many, far and wide. To lose you too is so unfair and feels so unkind. 

The smile on your face the minute I walked through the front door, the hugs so tight I couldn’t breathe and the I love you’s are no more. 

I miss your voice, your presence, your laugh and funny ways, the chats that we would share on good and bad days. 

The phone calls were always short, the conversations never too long, but they were always special and so I’m finding it hard to move on. 

I rang you a few weeks ago to tell you about my new job, not realising it would be the last time I’d press your name. I’ll never forget how proud of me you sounded and from here on, good news will never sound quite the same. 

You were an incredible grandma, mother and wife and somehow we all now have to try and find a way without you here, to muddle through this crazy life. 

A mother of three, a grandma of six and a great grandma of three too. Wearing these titles proudly, we always looked up to you.

It breaks all our hearts to say that rather than you be here to fulfil these roles, we will have to miss you every day. 

You were an inspiration to us all, caring for others for many years. A nurse on rainbow ward, you wiped away many tears. 

In the three years that I studied for my degree, our relationship became stronger. I visited you more and the hugs lasted a lot longer. 

My dreams, plans and hopes, the if’s, but’s and nope’s, there have been quite a few, but the person who listened and supported was always you. 

You weren’t afraid to call me silly and always told me to aim high. You encouraged me to follow my heart and persistently try. 

Stuffing twenty-pound notes into my hand whenever I visited you, I’d always insist on no, but then you’d hand me another and say `take one for Meg too`. 

You’d always state it wasn’t enough and you’d wish you could give more, clueless of the fact that money fed me, Meg and some more. 

Whenever I’d go to walk out the front door, you’d squeeze me and say `make sure you come back`. As a replacement for never being able to act on this again, my heart now has a huge crack. 

When grandad fell ill at the end of two thousand and eighteen, we all prepared for the worst, but you grandma remained strong. Your bravery and resilience was second to none. 

Thankfully grandad pulled through and remained optimistic and determined from beginning to end, reminding me how amazing both my grandparents were, no matter how sharp or dangerous, the bend. 

I look back on this time and am beyond grateful that grandad you are here today because I believe your purpose was bigger than what any of us could say. 

In the extra time we have all been given, you got to see grandma through to the end. You were there as her husband and her best friend. 

The person she began it all with, this wild thing we call life. Something she was so strongly a part of as grandma, mother and wife. 

What upsets me most is how much you now won’t get to see. As Megan and I continue to grow, there are things that will never be. 

Your presence at our weddings, your foot through the front door of our own homes, holding your great-grandchildren and career plans in bucket loads. 

Time is so precious and I wish it could be altered slightly, at least that way I would get to hug you again, so much more tightly.  

In honour of your memory, I will be running for you, to raise money for the ward on which you worked and all the incredible things the staff there do. 

I will do this on your birthday, the fourteenth of November. You were a wonderful grandma and one I will always remember. 

You will always be in my heart and in my thoughts. I love you. Xx