I am and have always been an overthinker. I think far too much about things, either little or small, to the point where they become something much bigger than they actually are.
I really wish I could be better at relaxing and living in the moment. I think that I have been fairly successful at doing this since finishing my degree and moving back home. However, it's still a trait of mine that creates so much unnecessary distress and usually means I work myself up over nothing. I hate that I do it to myself because it can often spoil some really incredible things. For example, if I am offered an exciting opportunity, I then consider how it would be if it didn't work out to the point where I then let myself believe that it won't. It's so silly and I think that it may be caused by a lack of confidence because I can be quite good at putting myself down.
Overthinking is without a doubt the reason I have been unable to pass my driving test. That mixed with nerves, and a pass is never going to be possible. I am well versed in the art of how to fail a driving test and so I naturally set myself up to fail because I allow myself to think that if I couldn't do it before, there's no way I could do it now. With driving in particular though, I am very confident that I can finally break this cycle as I now have an amazing driving instructor who is incredible at pushing me to believe in myself!
I often read into things far more than I need to and the crazy thing is, I am so aware that I do it and know that I shouldn't, yet I still do. Lockdown generally, has caused so much upset and isolation for many and it has certainly given me the time to be alone with my thoughts and therefore, overthink! It's ridiculous really because when you're in the company of yourself and the rest of the world is ticking by, on the one hand it can feel very freeing, but on the other it can feel incredibly overwhelming, especially for someone who is good at conjuring up worst-case scenarios.
This is most likely to blame for my lack of spontaneity because I seem to be stuck in this rigid way of thinking. I do feel like I have been trying my upmost to push the boat out and be more spontaneous, especially in recent weeks, which is hard given the current restrictions! However, spontaneity to me is something as simple as not always planning ahead and just being a bit more relaxed in that sense, which sounds easy, but appears to prove challenging for me.
Working with children, it's so important to pretty much throw your inhibitions to one side, so it seems unfathomable to me that I can't maintain this in every other walk of life. Truth is, I am quite a reserved person and it usually takes me a long time to let my guard down, so I guess in that regard I can be quite a closed book.
I guess I am still trying to figure out life and the person that I want to be. I think that all people, no matter their age, can probably resonate with this too and I am not even sure if either of them are possible. I know it will take time and most likely, an infinite amount, but I am getting there, slowly but surely.
Hopefully, I will grow to be better at not overanalysing everything and therefore, I will be able to stress less about the insignificant things as a result.
Fingers crossed!
Dotty
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