A lot has been going on the last few months causing me to be over-worked and possibly guilty of overthinking to the extreme (something I am unfortunately good at). Alongisde wading my way through the never-ending amount of work I have to do as a trainee teacher, I've also had to combat some emotional difficulties that have been really hard and have taken their toll on me.
Everyone has their own version of an `escape` and mine is writing. My creative enthusiam has come to a standstill recently and I just haven't had the urge to put a pen to paper or sit at my laptop. It sounds silly, but this is partly how I knew something was wrong. I had stopped doing what I love all because I let other things get on top of me. I haven't been able to find the words to explain what's been going on, or how I've been feeling and thinking and time hasn't really been on my side either, until now.
Caring too much about what others think and through me being my own worst enemy (which I often am), brushing positive thoughts to one side that I wish to act on is far too easy. I sometimes worry about appearing over-confident, which is odd because I don't consider myself as confident at the best of times, so why I think this, I have no idea! I've had a huge realisation recently and one that I have been choosing to act on. I've realised that IT'S OK TO BE SELFISH! It's ok for me to put myself first and it's ok to want to do things for the sake of my own happiness and not to meet the needs of someone else.
Far too much of life can be wasted through doubting everything because of others and their opinions which does sound ridiculous when they have remotely no involvement or say so in what anyone does or how they do it.
Writing this, I can't say that this is the definitive moment in time when I no longer care what others think because that is something that does require work and time, but what I can say is that I'm no longer going to allow it to dictate me and what I do. If I want to do something, I am going to just say yes and do it because I want to, rather than sit here and justify the reasons why I'm doing it or weigh up whether the reasons for not doing it hold greater value.
I, like many people I'm sure, am really good at giving the advice I don't take. I can comfort a friend and tell them to not worry about others opinions, do what they want to do for themselves etc. and yet, never do this for myself. I'm not sure what it is, but the last couple of weeks I've really come into my own and accepted some things that I have needed to for a long time. It could be that I finished my second placement and all the doubts I placed in my mind were irradicated over the time I spent teaching. It could be that I've been able to open up and talk about things I have needed to, but have been too scared to speak up about. I'm not sure exactly, but I do know that I am so much more self-aware and capable than I ever realised. Writing these positive comments about myself is not as hard as they once used to be because I am starting to believe them.
I was having a chat with a friend the other day and got quite emotional saying out loud how much better about myself I feel. I think I said something about feeling good in the skin you're in and whilst I don't always find this easy, I'm very aware that there has to come a point when I say `no, enough is enough`. Doing things for myself is where the process starts. I am very career driven and so putting the majority of my time and effort into that makes me happy and feel fulfilled. On the flipside of this, I need to continue doing more of what I enjoy, whether it be writing or going to the gym - the things that make me feel confident, powerful and strong. It's amazing feeling secure in the things I do and knowing that they are mine and that they don't hold value to me because of anyone else or their opinions.
The road of self-discovery is certainly not an easy one and can be full of many hurdles. However, those hurdles will only get in my way if I allow them to. I've been guilty of allowing things to get in my way for a really long time and for letting my emotions do the talking and make decisions, rather than logic. Accepting that I need to focus on myself and do more for me has been hard. It's been said to me before time and time again by family and friends, but I just nod and say that I agree, stating that I don't really know what that means. Now I do. Acceptance for me means acknowledging the negatives, or rather not so successful events and coming to terms with the fact that they don't need to define me. They were just passing moments that I needed to go through in order to get to this point now. One full of self-belief and self-empowerment. Now that I've reached this point I can honestly say how freeing it feels. I don't feel static anymore. I feel like I can progress and aim for goals that are realistic, rather than unachievable.
Rewind to a couple of months ago...I was in a bit of a dark place. I was struggling to deal with a lot of things, unaware of how I would even get to the point I'm at now. A light at the end of the tunnel was unimaginable, but in actual fact all I needed to do was turn it on. I resorted to shutting myself away, pushing those I loved away and throwing myself into work, desperately trying to keep my head above water. If it wasn't for the people that I had around me at the time who truly listened and were there, I'm not sure how I would have got through it. It was really difficult to accept that the only person who was going to make things better was me. The only person who was going to maintain things being better was me. I had no clue how that was going to happen, especially when I wasn't allowing myself to let it.
All I know is that I have been leaning on my close friends more than I ever have. Spending more time with them at first felt like a distraction, but then it became more than that. It became a huge contributing factor to why things got better. I was allowing myself the freedom to let my hair down, openly talk without fear of judgement and above all else, have a good time; something I had forgotten the importance of.
I'm well aware that factors of life can sometimes cause an individual to lose touch with who they truly are. I think this is what I was going through. I had my future plans career wise mostly mapped out for me, knowing that I would acheive my goals due to the hard-work, passion and care that I put in to what I do. However, outside of this, nothing else was making much sense. I felt like I was just plodding along, lost in a sea of thoughts and feelings that I was unable to navigate. At the time, I kept getting told that things would get better. I was adamant they wouldn't and was unsure of as to how the people around me were so certain they would. I also kept getting told that I would figure things out because I'm me and I always do. Hearing this at that moment in time felt like it was yet another thing that was expected of me. I was already feeling like a lot of things were being expected of me and so I found this hard.
Fast forward to now...I got through it. I now realise that being told I would get through it because of who I am was actually a huge compliment, not an expectation. Even when I had hit a brick wall, my family and friends were still able to see the best in me. I think life is something that all individuals are constantly trying to figure out. It's always changing direction because of one thing or another and whilst that isn't always easy, it does happen to everyone. I can't say that every day from here on will be amazing, or that every day I'll feel incredibly happy with the person that I am, but surely that just makes me human like everyone else?
I do know for certain that I am going to start doing more of what makes me feel like me. Starting with this blog post...I am going to start embracing positive affirmations, allowing myself to do what feels right for me and no one else and most importantly, move forward with my new knowledge that IT'S OK TO BE SELFISH!
Dotty
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