This time round I experienced the vast majority of a church service on my own. I sat on my own, sang on my own and sort of drifted into my own world of contemplation, especially during the evening service. That's right...I went back for more. Even I'm not sure whats going on at this point. If I'd have been told a few weeks ago that in the space of 2 Sundays, I would attend 4 church services, I'd have probably laughed and disregarded the idea.
I definitely feel that this time I learnt a lot more, purely because I think I've started to gain understanding beyond what I initally thought was a beautfiul idea. Whilst I still think this and admire the dedication from those who were around me to their faith, their church and I suppose in some ways their community, I feel somewhat as though I've started to understand it beyond recognising the obvious.
During the evening service, various people stood up and gave either personal or more generalised testimonies and I honestly found this incredibly engaging and I think possibly for the first time the questions I've been trying to answer stopped whirring around in my head and just lay stagnant for a short while. I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and listening to people share that their faith is what they hold responsible for their reason why was actually quite beautiful.
A situation regarding a mother who had walked out on her children due to believing she wasn't good enough to be their mum led everyone into prayer, encouraging us all to think about those in pain or need. As usual, I felt a little bit silly seeing everyone praying in their own way and yet I couldn't bring myself to let that barrier down. Then it dawned on me that no one particularly minds how I pray, whether I do or even what for. Once I'd convinced myself that it didn't need to be silly, I decided to close my eyes (which I've not done before) and really put my mind and heart into a state of thinking and consideration. Everyone was asked to verbalise their prayers. This I didn't do because that at this moment in time does border on silly for me personally, especially with still not knowing where I stand on my personal beliefs. However, hearing everyone around me speaking up was quite a magical thing to witness.
Once I was able to somehow block everything else out, I started thinking about pain and need, but more specifically in relation to the dad I don't have. I wasn't planning on my thoughts going this way, but clearly they needed to. My situation with him, the pain I've experienced and the blame I have always somehow managed to put on myself, holding myself ultimately accountable for his unexplainable attitude and behaviour, was silenced. This may have only been for a few brief moments, but they were silenced nonetheless. I have always tried to combat this crazy situation and find the positives somewhere, no matter how hard, but then I instantly fight it back with the negatives. I think this is perfecly normal and reasonable given that I have never been offered an explanation of as to why the person I was supposed to be able to call and know as dad for the rest of my life decided he didn't want to know Meg or I anymore. However, whilst closing my eyes and thinking really really hard about it, all I could tell myself was that it's his loss and then I just thought for a while about how grateful I am to have my mum because without her I truly do not know where I would be. She chose to stay and raise Meg and I and I was able to accept that that is enough. Arguably, it shouldn't have to be, but I am so incredibly grateful that she has given us the best life she possibly can. I then started running through potentail explanations of as to why he hung up his parenting flag and again, for the first time I was able to do this without involving myself in that blame or reason.
Crazy I know and now I'm even more confused I think.
Dotty
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