Each time I sit to write about this journey, my feelings and thoughts become stronger and appear to be a lot more deep rooted than I ever anticipated they would be.
It's strange to think that a few months ago I didn't really understand the true purpose of a church, what a relationship with God meant and was just constantly confused anytime I tried to think about it. I would have probably laughed at the idea of someone telling me that God is on my side, purely through my lack of understanding and I guess at the time my difficulty and perhaps stubbornness at trying to form some kind of relationship with him. However, a lot of time has passed since then and I now feel very differently towards it all...
Recently, over the last month or so, I have been quite diligent in praying. A lot has been going on in all aspects of life and I needed an outlet. Writing is and always has been my thing, but I needed something more personal that would allow time for me and my eyes only. I took it upon myself to download a bible app onto my phone thinking that I would never really use it and it would just be there as a small reminder that should I need some time to build on that relationship, or talk to someone in a less invasive way, I would have an option. What I have come to realise though, is that in many ways, God likes to be invasive. He wants us to talk, to open up and to help us navigate whatever storms we may be weathering. Realising this and moreover, accepting it, has been a battle. I am quite an independent person and generally do carry a lot of weight on my shoulders and take a long time to ask for help should I need it. Therefore, acknowledging that there is someone who wants to share the load, or rather take everything from me to make the weight a lot lighter has been hard. This again though links back to my stubbornness because if there's be an option there all along to make life easier, why haven't I been taking it?
Each time I go to church, my relationship with God (I need to start saying that with more confidence) becomes increasingly stronger. I feel better connected to him and I suppose in many ways, better connected to myself and my emotions. I have cried a couple of times whilst in the presence of other people praying which is again odd to think about considering that in one of my recent reflections on this journey, I spoke about the embarrassment of simply closing my eyes whilst praying and yet here I am, now able to let all emotions show.
Specific parts of church services always remain in my mind and get me thinking a bit more deeply. A couple of these moments happened on Sunday evening. Someone described an image they had thought of earlier that morning of someone holding onto a raft or a piece of drift wood, desperately clinging on. They then spoke about a wooden boat appearing, signifying the help that was coming. On this particular evening, I felt like the person clinging onto the raft, trying to desperately keep my head above the water. Following this description being given, a prayer was said which focussed heavily on worth and I believe something along the lines of, `you are worth it. God thinks you're worth it` was said. These are words I find hard to hear at the best of times, so trying to feel or find some self-worth through this prayer was difficult. That being said, something obviously clicked because for the first time ever in a church setting, I asked someone to pray with me.
We went and sat in a quiet corner of the church away from all distractions. It has to be mentioned that the person I asked is someone I speak to regularly at church and who is always happy to engage in conversation and help others. In the moments where I was feeling overwhelmed and needed to talk, this was the person that I trusted. I ran through a couple of things that were clouding my judgement at the time and mentioned a fog that was somewhat refusing to lift. She said the loveliest, longest prayer. We cried, we laughed and it felt like a really bizarre therapy session with God also there to provide support and comfort. I kept saying sorry and how silly I felt because that's me and that's what I do when I feel overwhelmed, but I could sense that in those moments God didn't want me to feel sorry, he wanted me to be ok and I truly believed he encouraged me to ask someone to pray with me because he knew that's what I needed.
Going back to the Bible app...I have been writing down my prayers, as well as saying them aloud because as a writer and generally reflective person, I like to look back at them. I think this has really helped me order my thoughts in regard to God and my understanding of this journey that I am on, especially as I can then see whether my prayers have come true. For the most part they have, which to many probably just means it was luck and that may be right. However, I choose to believe that it's because he's listening and he wants to help.
Reading this back, I realise what a significant shift there has been in my understanding and my faith and I guess that in itself, shows how good God is. I'm very confident now that journey of uncertainty is now one of certainty. The only thing restricting me is my lack of knowledge, so I am going to put some time in to work on this. I've decided to do an Alpha course, starting in October, which focusses on answering life's big questions through the themes of life, faith and meaning. I think this will give me the opportunity to learn more, consolidate my belief and understanding and hopefully push me to able to voice and challenge my thoughts and feelings on it all.
`But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind` - James 1:6
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