When I first met Dave I knew he had 2 young children. I never wanted that to be a factor that would get in the way of us pursuing a relationship because I think that if you love someone you should accept all parts of them. His 2 beautiful children happened to be one of those parts of him that I needed to accept and I did so, without any hesitation. It was never a question in my mind that we couldn't make it work or that it would be impossible, however I wasn't prepared for the road ahead. To be honest, nor was he and there isn't a manual that details the perfect situation because if things were perfect, step parents wouldn't exist.
The moment I met the kids, that confirmed for me that I loved Dave without a shadow of a doubt. The uncertainty that had arisen arund meeting them and what would be was put to bed and I could tell things were going to be ok. I'll never forget both of them asking me if I could go back to their daddy's to play for the rest of the afternoon. They accepted me so quickly.
Fast forward and we would spend every other weekend that Dave had them staying with him all together. I absolutely loved it and very quickly grew to love them.
Fast forward some more and now we live together. When the children come and stay now they come into Holly and daddy's space, not just daddy's. I have become part of their routine and they have become part of mine. In a short space of time they have become a big part of my life and although I wouldn't change it for the world, I'd be lying if I said I haven't found it tough.
I didn't realize what my role was or what impact it was having. I just thought (and sometimes still do), I'm Holly and they're Dave's children. That's not to say that I don't feel connected to them. I love them and love having them stay. However, I'd never considered what I do having more of a purpose than that.
It was probably a couple of months ago now, when I overheard Dave and the children having a chat in their bedroom. His eldest has questions and I see a lot of myself in him because that was me when my parents went through their separation. They were just having a general chat and I heard both of them refer to me as their `step mummy`. Hearing this left me with tears in my eyes because I felt so humbled that they thought of me as being that role to them, but I was also really overcome with feelings of shock and panic because I'd never considered myself as being that to them. It felt like a lot and that's when the reality set in. I am now a step mum. Gulp.
I honestly would not change it for the world. I am lucky enough to get to love their daddy and I feel so incredibly grateful that they accept me and I get to love them. That doesn't mean that I don't feel overwhelmed, clueless, panicked or emotional about it all though.
The feelings I have experienced have been hard to pick apart and I have been questioning myself a lot about what's normal or not, given that they're not mine. When they're not with us, I miss them. Am I allowed to miss them? I often think about how their weeks are going and what they've both been up to. Am I allowed to think about that? I always put pressure on myself to make things `just so` when they come to stay because I care. Am I being pedantic?
I'm confident the answer to all of the above is yes, but it doesn't shift those questions from my mind at all.
I have a step dad, Dave has 2 step parents and now his children are part of the split family dynamic we both know all too well. It's hard. It's challenging. It's chaos. Above it all though, the children have a mummy and daddy who love them and both a step daddy and step mummy who love them too. As far as the situation goes, there could certainly be worse outcomes. The kids are happy and healthy and that is all that matters.
I'm sure the road ahead will continue to be a little bit confusing and that doubts in my ability will crop up. Co-parenting is hard, harder than anyone probably wants to admit. So many feelings, both necessary and unwated come into action. In a way I get the easier job. I'm not the biological parent and so I can stand on the sideline. Does it make it any easier? No. Have I learnt a lot? Yes.
One thing is for certain in this situation. There is a mummy and daddy who have done an amazing job to raise 2 such incredible children. I feel so lucky that I get to be a part of their lives and will get to see them grow up and have the amazing, bright futures I'm certain they are going to have.
If there's any step parents out there who have doubts, feel alone, confused or conflicted in any way, please know that you're not on your own and you are doing your best.
Comments
Post a Comment