It's been over a year since I've written or shared anything here.
It only seems right to start up the blog again with a new extract on a big part of my life; being a step mum.
I find writing that hard. The term `step mum` isn't just something you say in a throw away manner. It carries a lot of weight. I do often find it hard to refer to myself as one. It's 1000% a confidence thing! I doubt myself all the time. Am I doing a good job? Did I explain that to them well? Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough? It's so hard to know the answers to any of these questions and the internal battle I face to stop these questions and just feel at peace feels never-ending.
I know I involve myself as any step parent who adores their step children would do, but yet I still fight with myself over whether that's enough.
All I have ever wanted and will ever want is for the two of them to feel loved, safe and happy. Dave reassures me all the time. He tells me they both love me. He tells me I do more than enough for them. However, those horrible internal thoughts still creep in and create doubt and worry. As a notorious overthinker, these doubts and worries jump from one extreme to another and as a result, at many times, my confidence is just completely blown. In recent weeks, this has made me really unwell. Stress (caused by other aspects of life too) manifested in me being physically unwell. This was definitely a sign that I just need to calm down, but I'm unsure if it's possible to do this when I care so much.
The thing that puts my doubts and worries to one side is when the children out of nowhere give me such a positive boost. Last night I went out with some friends and said bye to them and gave them each a kiss. As I went to walk out the door, the eldest said "Holly...hug?" and he gave me a super tight squeeze. This made me feel so sure that what I do is good enough. At bed time, we all share worries and happy's (the bad and good parts of our days or weeks). Regularly, one of the happy's that the youngest shares is how much she loves me and that she knows how much I love her. No matter how often I hear her say it, I still tear up.
The reality of step parenting is so much harder than I could have ever known. When you get attached to children who are not biologically yours, naturally maternal instinct kicks in. I am so proud of them for how they handle life. Living between two homes is not easy, especially not for 2 little children. They of course find it challenging and there are many emotions that we often have to deal with, but it's abundantly clear that they both know they are loved, safe and happy in both homes which as I wrote earlier, is all I have ever wanted and will ever want for them.
I always hit a bit of a wall on the days they leave us. It's like a dark cloud hangs over me and I often find the latter half of the last day really tricky. I tend to distract myself by doing something like tidying up because my brain can't cope with it. It sounds ridiculous because I'm not the biological parent, but when they're here I do play a big role in their lives and I love my role so much that whenever it's put on a time out for a bit, I don't like it. I know them both not being with us all the time is the reality of co-parenting, but my goodness is it hard.
At dinner this evening, we were chatting about school and the three of us all said that we weren't feeling great about going back, but we knew that we had to. Dave does work in a school, but he hasn't been off for the whole of the Easter holidays so he couldn't join us with this one! The youngest then looked right at me and said "but when I go back, I will miss you and daddy so much". That was me done. I had tears in my eyes and managed to style it out and carry on. Most of the afternoon passed and that's when it loomed over me; the dark cloud. I started doing my manic tidying to keep myself busy. Dave stopped me because he knew. It was as though he could literally see the weather changing above my head. He asked if I was feeling sad because of what the youngest had said and then I just burst into tears. Emotions honestly are just rubbish! The emotions of being a step mum though are honestly like something else entirely. Mix these emotions with being an over thinker and BOOM! My brain can feel like a complete and utter mess!
Loved, safe and happy. That's what I should come back to. They both feel loved, safe and happy. That is all that matters. That is all I have ever wanted and will ever want for them. I feel so incredibly lucky that I get to watch both of them grow and be a part of their lives!
I wish there was a handbook on how to be a step mum without all the emotions that can come with it, but then I guess I wouldn't be human!
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